


Enric Pryde Discovers Real Person Fiction

by Esmethewitch



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Characters Reading Fanfiction, Characters Writing Fanfiction, Crack, Cringe Humor, Daddy Kink, Embarrassment, Humiliation, Humor, Kink Shaming, Metafiction, Multi, Pryde ships Kylux, Reading Aloud, Second-Hand Embarrassment, Sexual Humor, Spanking, Unprofessional Behavior, What Have I Done, guess who read and wrote what, not super explicit, the Questionable Parentage of Armitage Hux
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-28
Updated: 2020-08-28
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:00:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,949
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26149072
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Esmethewitch/pseuds/Esmethewitch
Summary: Allegiant General Enric Pryde discovers that his subordinates are writing rather explicit, kinky reader-insert stories about him. And everyone else on this kriffing ship. He doesn't like it at all. He reads some choice selections aloud to express his displeasure.No actual sex in this fic. Inspired by everyone's favorite Pryde headcanons and that clip of Charles Dance reading excerpts of Fifty Shades of Grey.
Relationships: Armitage Hux's Mother/Enric Pryde, Armitage Hux's Mother/Maratelle Hux, Armitage Hux/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Armitage Hux/Enric Pryde, Brendol Hux/Enric Pryde, Enric Pryde/Original Female Character(s), Enric Pryde/Original Male Character(s)
Comments: 16
Kudos: 41





	Enric Pryde Discovers Real Person Fiction

“I suspect you all know why you’re here,” Allegiant General Pryde told the assembly of officers around the table in the small conference room, setting his stick down on the polished surface with an audible  _ thunk.  _ Chief Petty Officer Unamo blushed. Lieutenant Mitaka looked like he wanted to cry. Petty Officer Thanisson tried to hide his datapad under the table, until Pryde glared at him and gave a meaningful cough.

General Parnadee looked unbothered, though she’d glance at Unamo’s quivering form from time to time in bewilderment. Hux picked at his fingernails. Kylo Ren’s expression was unreadable due to his mask.

“Take that silly thing off,” Pryde ordered.

“No,” growled Kylo through the vocoder.

“I shall count to five,” the Allegiant General threatened.

“Fine.” The helmet hissed open, and Ren slammed it down on the table.

“Keep treating it like that and you’ll break it again,” Pryde muttered. “But no matter. We are here to discuss disciplinary matters that pertain to all present.”

Unamo made a tiny squeak. Mitaka was paler than white bread dough. Hux shuddered. Thanisson sputtered. Ren glared more sullenly than before.

Parnadee gaped at her colleagues and declared: “I have received no notifications of infractions on my record in the past week. I have not knowingly participated in any act of insubordination with my comrades. I also have a large backlog of TPS forms to complete that were transferred over to myself from Captain Phasma after her untimely demise, so sir, I have no notion as to the purpose of this meeting.”

Pryde  _ tssked.  _ “General, does the phrase: ‘fluffy caf-shop AU’ mean anything to you?”

Parnadee stared at the surface of the table. “I have no clue what you are referring to, sir.”

Pryde pulled up a datapad and began to read: “Trouble Brewing, chapter 1 of 6. Armie is tired of unruly, rude artist Kylo Ren spattering paint over his tables and never tipping, so he serves Kylo decaf and spells his name wrong. He shouldn’t even keep talking to this disaster of a man, but his lustrous hair and intriguing paintings keep him coming back for more. And as it happens, coming. The fluffy caf-shop Kylux AU nobody asked for. E-rated, fluff and smut. ”

Hux gasped. Kylo groaned.

“You shall have my resignation within a week”, Parnadee said, holding back tears. “Maybe I’ll jump out of an airlock into the bargain…”

“I certainly didn’t ask for it,” Pryde went on. “And I didn’t think anyone else did either, but at least you’re self-aware enough to understand that. But no, please stay among the living. I don’t want to have to transfer the TPS forms to Mitaka. And as this admittedly disgusting erotic fiction of your colleagues attained over two thousand ‘likes’, sometimes the secret to success is giving people what they needed but never asked for.”

Hux turned beet-red, as did Mitaka, Kylo Ren, Thanisson, and Unamo. 

“Please don’t delete your account,” whispered Kylo. “ _ Trouble Brewing  _ is the best AU fic on the server.”

Hux glared at him. “It was overly saccharine, though the writer is exceptionally talented,” he said.

“Wait, you like my writing?” Bellava’s eyes widened.

“I love the G-rated  _ Porg Tales  _ fics you also write if you are in fact ‘belladona_scribbles’,” said Hux stiffly. “I have no comment on your real person fiction.”

“However, this ill-advised smutty little novel is really only the tip of the iceberg”, Pryde continued, pretending he hadn’t heard this exchange. “In Parnadee’s case, the sex scenes were quite pedestrian, and the whole ‘alternate universe’ thing provided a nice separation from reality. But it’s the principle of the thing. The issue is that this fiction distracts us and our subordinates from our duties and diminishes respect, leading to unseemly behavior. I have seen datapads out when they should have been away, and even inappropriate tabs opened on official consoles during work hours. Additionally, ideas expressed in some of these despicable ‘reader-insert’ fics bleed into interpersonal relationships that should stay professional.”

He glowered at Thanisson and Mitaka, raking his gaze over to Hux. “I understand a newly commissioned officer fresh out of Academy slipping up and calling me ‘Father’ or some such thing when he is sleep-deprived on an early morning shift, but  _ Daddy  _ is something else entirely. I do not answer to that. You should be ashamed of yourselves; I expected better from you.”

Unamo coughed.

“While we’re on that subject, I do not appreciate the reader-insert stories featuring myself,” Pryde said. He cleared his throat. “Aha. Here’s an excerpt from a good one. By which I mean a horrible one, of course. This one is a female insert:

You are crumpled on the floor by Allegiant General Pryde’s feet, your arse sore from where he spanked you with his swagger stick. Your jacket with the Chief Petty Officer’s insignia is as wrecked as your body feels. He lifts up your chin with the tip of his swagger stick and gazes into your lust-wide eyes.

‘Please, sir’, you beg.

‘Please  _ what,’  _ he asks.

‘Please use me, Daddy’ you plead. He smirks, unbuttons his trousers, and feeds his cock which has grown as long and hard as his stick into your soft, willing mouth.

‘Don’t get too enthusiastic, slut. I intend to come in your cunt.’”

Pryde shook his head. “Oh  _ my,”  _ he said. 

Chief Petty Officer Unamo put her face in her hands and whimpered softly. A vein twitched in Hux’s temple.

“The people writing on this server support equal opportunities, I will give them that,” Pryde grimaced. “Here’s a male insert one…’The Lieutenant moaned as one gloved hand held him firmly over the Allegiant General’s lap, pressing into the small of his back and reminding him of his place on this ship, in their arrangement. He arched his back up, and the older man’s hand collided with his jiggly, pert, bare buttocks with a beautiful, loud  _ smack…’ _ ”

Mitaka was now sobbing outright.

“Sir, I think we rather get the idea. The server will be deleted if you order it, Allegiant General,” Hux quickly stated. “We’ll all get back to work.”

“Not so fast, lad,” said Pryde. “There are six of you here. There are six main accounts that keep posting this horrible real person fiction. I have looked at your device storage and search histories. I suffered. You shall all suffer with me. And then I’d like an explanation---no, I  _ don’t  _ want an explanation, some things are better not to know, and then some ground rules moving forward.”

“I noticed that people morph last names together and call them ‘ships’,” Pryde said in the tone of a pathologist commenting on a particularly nasty strain of  _ Giardia.  _

“For instance, ‘Prux’. I don’t understand why people derive amusement from writing pornographic material of their colleagues. Or why so many of them include myself going to town on everyone’s arse with a swagger stick.”

“You need to stop carrying that thing around,” Parnadee muttered. “I’m not into stuff like that, but it’ll give people ideas. It already  _ has  _ and it’s too late to do anything about it.”

Hux stared at the floor. 

“What was I going on with? Ah yes, Prux. Many of you don’t know this, but I first met Armitage when he was quite young. I acknowledge that he is an adult now, but some part of me thinks of him as a child forever. So the stories where he and I go at it like skittermice in heat are rather distressing.”

Hux gulped. 

“Another thing,” Pryde continued like he was discussing durasteel shipments and weapons supplies, “to truly ascertain Armitage’s parentage, one would have to find all male officers above the rank of Major who were on Arkanis at any point approximately 35 BBY and have them take a DNA test. Many possible candidates are dead now; and Hux’s mother killed approximately 25% of the men she fucked. I doubt she even knows herself.”

Hux’s face turned green. “Can we  _ not  _ discuss my mother, sir?”

“She was a slut, that was true, but an ethical slut, apart from the times she used it to complete an assassination. Wouldn’t sleep with a married man, hated liars. Though the more she knew, or thought she knew about a person and their character, the more careless she got. She went on a terrific tear when she found out about Maratelle. She was one of the least maternal people I ever knew; she couldn’t keep a plant alive longer than a week. Much less an infant. So she shoved you off to him. I told her that perhaps she wanted to pose as an undercover schools inspector and watch Brendol teach a class first so she could see how he was with children, but she didn’t even want to look at him. I warned her.

At least she’s doing worlds better now that she’s retired from the trade, gone to pastry school, and moved in with Maratelle after the divorce. They have a flat somewhere on Coruscant now. She still sends me a Life Day card and a package of biscuits every year. I check them for poison just to be sure I’m still in her good graces. I was surprised that she never tried to murder Brendol. Maratelle was trying to convince her to do it because then she’d inherit everything from him  _ and  _ get his life insurance payout.”

Pryde sighed. “And of course, Brendol claimed you as his because he was too proud to seek treatment for his erectile dysfunction until I practically dragged him into Medbay. Every time he’d go: ‘this has never happened before,’ and I’d say: ‘Bren, this is the third time this week!’”

Hux jumped out of his seat and headed for the door.

“We’re not done,” Pryde warned.

“I’m going to throw up on this table,” Hux moaned.

“Oh. In that case, run to the refresher. And come back when you’re done, we all need to talk.”

The door slammed. “Can one of you go in to check on him if he isn’t back in five minutes?” Pryde asked.

“I’ll do it, sir,” said Mitaka, still shaking.

“Thank you. Now on to solutions: I would like to propose a blanket ban on real person fiction of living people, though of course you are still all free to write the worst smut of Grand Admiral Thrawn, Darth Vader, and Grand Moff Tarkin. I would not ever read anything featuring Tarkin because I have actually experienced the reality of it, and that was enough.”

Ren cringed. “Vader was my grandpa.”

“We know,” said Pryde. “And has everyone on this ship written dreck about  _ you  _ fucking everyone senseless?”

“Um…”, interjected Thanisson.

“Forget it, I don’t want to know. Anyhow, historical real person fiction is fine, this ‘fanfiction’ of other works of fiction is also fine, but leave living, real people out of it. Can you all do that?”

“Yessir,” they chorused. Anything to bring this awful meeting to a close.

“I have also allocated everyone an extra week of leave per year,” Pryde declared. “In my day we didn’t write erotica, we got laid like men. Reduced stress, improved health, ensured that the next generation would show up.” He grimaced. “Someone really should check on Armitage,” he said.

Mitaka dashed for the door. 

“Ren, you should go with him too,” Pryde called. “Stop writing all of those ‘General Hux/Original Male Sith Character’ fics and  _ tell  _ him what you want him to do to you! You have your whole lives ahead of you.”

Kylo Ren and Mitaka sprinted away.

“I’d tell you all that you ought to be ashamed of yourselves,” he said, “but you’d enjoy it too much. Meeting adjourned.”

They fled.


End file.
